lorentzian | 01 ✴ written / action

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!written

01 ✴ written / action

My name is Jane Foster. And if I'm remembering everything correctly, which I can hardly believe, then I've been here before. That being the case, there are a few people I need to talk to. You'll know who you are.

For those who don't know me, you might remember a spectacularly failed attempt at escaping the enclosure some time ago. (Sorry for the vague time frame. I haven't figured out yet how long I've been gone.) For anyone who arrived after that time, I'm an astrophysicist who specializes in wormholes. Well, it's more complex than that, I also study quantum energy fluctuations and related terrestrial phenomena pretty much all over the world - Earth, I mean. Earth. Earth in 2013, for anyone curious. Sorry, this is getting off topic.

In a nice turn of events, I didn't wake up outside, so no search and rescue needed this time.

I guess, um.

Hi, everyone. Old and new. It's - weird to be back.

[ Once she's done writing that plain, unembellished message, Jane shuts her journal and sighs, staring at the blank wall opposite her. Thank the powers at be for small blessings, like waking up warm and comfortable for once instead of half-frozen on a forest floor.

Since the apartment in which she awoke is one of the unclaimed ones, there's nothing really here for her to make use of - or, alternatively, disturb. So a short while later she is slipping out the door, walking on tip-toe down the halls and stairways, though she'll pause at the entrance of the building. She doesn't relish the idea of going out in the cold barefoot and in only a sundress. So she'll skulk about there, deliberating while checking her journal periodically for responses. Anyone who doesn't immediately strike her as Overtly And Comically Evil will probably get a hello. ]

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[That finally makes him smile, and it's genuine enough, all things considered. That's right... she'd been blind the last time she was here. It really has been a long time...]

I'm glad... I'm really glad you've got your sight back. And I'm glad to see you again, too...

[It's selfish - it's so selfish - but he can't help but think... now there's one person he cares about that wasn't hurt by his spell. One person who doesn't know what happened. Not yet, anyway. He doesn't know how long that will last, but-

...Screw it, that isn't what's important now. What matters is making sure she's okay.]

So- you just got here? What do you need? Are you hungry? Cold? I've got some clothes you can borrow, or- I can get Teddy to bring something home...

Yeah. Yeah, I woke up, like, maaaaybe half an hour ago? I'm sure you can tell I haven't been shopping yet. [ Lets go of him for real this time and steps back, gesturing at herself (and her New Feather dress) with wry humor. ]

Socks and shoes would be great. And Teddy -- how is he? How are you? God, what have I missed? How much have I missed? How long has it been? Who's still here? I--

[ She pauses the sudden flood of questions, then gives her head a rapid little shake. ]

No. One thing at a time. [ Firmly, with a smile: ] Shoes. And maybe some coffee. Then we can talk.

[It's a relief when she says that - takes back her questions, kind of - because he's not sure how he'd answer them, at this point. Not yet, anyway. Maybe by the time they've gotten everything sorted, he'll be ready. ...Maybe.

He takes a step back, gesturing at the door he'd just walked out of.]

Well, come on. You can borrow at least that much until you get your own stuff back. And I'll make some coffee.

[ With a grateful smile Jane follows the line of his gesture and heads for the door. ]

Thanks, Billy. You're a life saver. [ After a beat, she lifts her eyebrows at him and tilts her head just slightly. ]

By the way, I have news. I actually moved up a little bit on my personal timeline.

Personal... you're from the future now? Er. I mean, your old- you know what I mean.

[He's hoping. And he's interested in the answer, too. Wasn't that after the Avengers...?]

Sort of. I only jumped maybe a week, week and a half ahead of where I was last time. I mean, things have happened, don't get me wrong. [ She tucks some hair back behind her ear, expression somewhat troubled. ] ... I need to talk to Loki, but I have no idea what I'm going to say to him.

[The joys of living in a world where superheroes exist- something always happens between visits to this place.

He'll just. Put the coffee on.]

Unless something else happened, I assume you're thinking about the Manhattan attack. And if that's the case, the real question is... would he care?

[The degree to which he gives zero damns about the complaints he gets for that is pretty exceptional.]

[ Her expression is serious as she nods. ] Yeah. I am. And I don't know if he would. But I care.

You remember Erik Selvig? Did I tell you about him? He's my -- mentor. Colleague. Sort of. Has been for years. He, um. He was involved with the whole -- thing. [ She twirls a hand, one side of her mouth curling down. Manhattan. ] You know Loki mind-controlled him? He's -- he isn't the same, Billy. He's changed. And I can't just ... god. How do you just let go of that?

[Ah, yes... that kind of indecision. The kind that comes hand in hand with someone you care about hurting someone else you care about.

God, does he ever understand that now. Except that he's on the receiving end, like Loki, and Loki...]

I'm sorry... about that. I can imagine that being hard... to forgive. But you might have to, if you want to stay friends. He's not... sorry for it. At all. Not as far as I've seen. I mean- maybe with enough coaxing you could get him to apologize, or maybe something's changed in the last few months, but-

[He doubts it. He trails off, his eyes lowered, focusing on the coffee machine. Coffee machines don't judge.]

Lives don't mean anything to him unless he knows them first.

[ She rubs a hand over her eye, sighing heavily through her nose. ]

I'm not sure making him apologize is worth it? God, that's awful. [ Jane shakes her head, and there's something bitter and reluctant at once about the motion. ] Like -- he should be sorry, and it shouldn't be okay with me that someone so important to me was--

But I know trying will just get his hackles up, and... god, I don't even know how long I've been gone, but I know that I'm sick of all the fights we've ever had.

[ Her shoulders slump, and she stares sadly at her feet. ]

God. What a mess. Forgive him for something he doesn't deserve to be forgiven for, or hold against him something he won't forgive me for holding against him?

I wish I could tell you what the answer is.

[Billy can only smile very faintly for her; it's sympathetic and he gets it, he does, but the whole forgiveness thing for him works differently- before, it was because it wasn't his Manhattan or his version of Loki, and now... because he'd been forgiven for doing something both specific and terrible to Loki. Griping about how he should feel bad about Manhattan just wouldn't hold the same kind of sway, now.

Then again, he hasn't mentioned it for a long time.]

I don't know. Maybe something's changed. Maybe he'd apologize for you. He's missed you a lot, you know.

[We all have.]

[ That shuts her up, and she ducks her head, pressing a loose fist to her mouth, and then to her cheek. A crooked smile works its way across her mouth. ]

... god, this is ... sort of mortifying, but. [ She folds her arms, her brows knight tight over her sad smile. ] ... did Tony get you that recording I made?

[He pauses at that, glancing away. Remembering that is a little surreal, considering- it had been a farewell, and she's right here. He feels like getting all choked up about it but if he ends up crying he'll probably end up clinging to the person he's crying about.

Well. That, and the spell. His tears always come back to the spell, these days.]

...Yeah. He came by and delivered it. ...You know, he actually had to ask me if I knew what a cassette tape was?

[ That -- gets her to laugh, a sound barely louder than a breath, and she lifts a hand to rub the back of her neck. ]

Yeah, well. That's just how he is. Can't miss an opportunity to be ... him.

[ ... awwwwwkwaaaaard. She sort of regrets bringing it up. Gently: ]

I ... I'm glad you had it. Sort of, um, moot point now, huh? [ Her laugh is quiet. ]

I wouldn't say that.

[He still can't quite look at her, so he focuses on the coffee, getting mugs, sugar, milk and cream on a tray to bring to the table.]

I listened to it... kind of a lot. While you were gone.

[That's probably weird to say- or rather, weird to hear, for her. But he's not ashamed of it, nor will he apologize. Over the last month and a half, after everything that's happened, everything he did, he'd really needed someone to tell him those things. That he didn't give up. (He did.) That he should rely on people. (He didn't.) That they're proud of him. (Would she still?) That they believed in him. (Would she still?) That he could be a super hero. (Maybe back then.) That he should be careful. (Ha.

Ha.

Ha.)

He'd needed that voice, sometimes, to not be Teddy. Because Teddy knew. Teddy remembered. Teddy had been there. So sometimes it's hard... to believe all of that. When you hate yourself that much you just kind of assume everyone else does - or should - too.]

[ Well. How can she react to that except to meander over, closing whatever distance is between them, and ruffle his hair? ]

You really need to fill me on on your life between then and now, kiddo.

[He ducks his head a bit at the gesture, half to let his embarrassment show, and half to try and hide his expression. It's not so easy when she's right there, so he just goes ahead and pours the now-ready coffee, sliding her a mug.]

Do I, really?

[Can't he just have one person in his life who doesn't know?]

[ Jane palms her mug, sighing. ]

You don't have to. But the fact that you don't want to? Tells me a lot already.

[ She picks up the mug and presses it to her lips briefly in thought before lowering it enough to talk. Her smile is sympathetic. ]

Billy, I know I've said a lot about being your big sister. And to me, you're family. End of story. But that never means you have to tell me something. I just... don't want you to go it alone.

[Billy chews on his lower lip at that, taking a few long moments to get his coffee all sorted and take a sip for himself, staring worriedly into the cup. He doesn't want to do this again. He doesn't want to hear it, to say it, to even think about it. But he does that already- all the time, that guilt is lingering, clawing at his heart. It bites him at the most inopportune moments, blindsiding him even - or especially - when he's feeling good. Like now. And she has other friends besides him, people she'll want to see, speak with, and hear about their lives since she left. Tony. Loki. People who know. Who might appreciate a sympathetic, listening ear. So she'll find out eventually, and then it'll be that much worse, because he won't have told her first.

So. May as well ruin this, too.

His eyes flit to her, reluctant, but finally cooperative. Ish.]

Do you still have your journal with you?

[ Her brow knits. ]

Yeah, of course. Here--

[ She picks up her journal from where she'd set it down and moves to hold it out to him, her expression a question, though she asks nothing further. ]

[He sets aside his coffee and slides the journal over, lifting it and flipping through for a moment. When he finds his own entry, he silently hands it back and gets his coffee again, ducking his head and sipping quietly at it. It's not exactly a full explanation, but he's hoping it's enough to at least explain his emotional state.]

[ With a feeling of foreboding, she takes the journal, gives him one last look, and plays the entry back.

Oh, god. The way he sounds is enough to make her sick with concern. She tries very hard to keep her expression schooled as the explanation goes on, but she just can't. Halfway through she presses a hand over her mouth and doesn't lower it until long moments after the recording has stopped.

Be careful with your magic. ]

Oh, my god. Billy. Billy, I'm so--

[ Without another word she sets everything down - journal, coffee, anything - so she can go over and pull him into a tight hug. ]

[He does at least accept the hug, returning it one-handed, though he can't quite look at her yet. He's not proud of what happened, nor does he think he should be getting the sympathy for it, but... god, it really is nice to be held. She wasn't there. He didn't hurt her. They at least managed to dodge that bullet, and for that, he's grateful.]

...so... that's what you missed. Welcome back, huh...?

Billy.

[ There's a small waver to her voice, but her hands are firm as she steps back from the hug enough to cup his face instead. Her face is pinched with distress and care, but she's trying to smile anyway. ]

What kind of big sister would I be if I wasn't glad to see my little brother again? So don't you even start that with me.

[ She drops her hands, sighing out heavily, and every inch of her is worry, electrified and too restless to stay still, but she forces herself not to move. The energy channels in fingers that tap at nothing but the air over her thighs. ]

.... if you don't want to tell me the details, I will really, truly understand. But I want you to know that family doesn't stop loving family just because something bad happened. Okay? I'm not going anywhere.

[Billy doesn't respond for a long moment. He glances up as she cups his face, then down again, his expression sick with guilt and uncertainty and, truth be told, surprise. Every time someone hears about what happened or sees the effect and doesn't hate him for it is a shock, and he's still not over that feeling.

Finally he shifts from foot to foot, chewing idly on his lower lip, and tilts his head towards the living room area.]

We should... sit down. I'l put the fire on, get you those socks. We've got blankets. And...

[A pause, an exhale, an air of uncertainty that just won't leave him alone anymore.]

...we can talk.

01 ✴ written / action

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